A lot can happen in a few days. Sunday I was extremely optimistic. Today, I've let the left side of my brain set in, and I am queasy and scared. I don't think I'm ready to live out here long term. Especially, in my current state. It is most likely the insecurity of my situation that is causing my anxieties. The disappointments of the last few days have made me realize that I am not as independent as I thought. 2000 miles away from my family is a long way for me. Especially when I look at my housing prospects while earning ten dollars an hour.
Am I just a huge pansy? I don't want to try to rationalize my fears. There are a lot of other people who have struggled a lot more than me, and they overcome a great deal to live everyday. My problems are trivial in the giant scope of things. If I decide to go home am I a failure? Maybe.
After saying I won't rationalize my fears I am going to rationalize my fears. What do I want? I believe now that I have been running away from a lot of things. The past few weeks I have seen that I can be happy doing many things, but that doesn't make up for the fact that I would like to be near my family. I am probably just lonely overall. It's my fault for not being more proactive, but I guess I don't know where to start. I usually made friends through some type of team, but while the weightlifting crew is a fun one, most of the people are older than me and have their own lives to deal with.
This trip started out rather crazily. It has only been two months, but it has been really memorable. For that I am thankful. At this point in time I am going to stay for a bit longer, compete in a lifting meet at the end of May and then road trip a little bit before I head back home.
Am I backing down from chaos. Probably, but at this point in time I feel that I can go after my future in a more productive manner a little closer to home. Failure? Yes. Total defeat? No.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Knowing What You Want
Disappointment has a funny way of making you want things. The feeling of not getting something seems to solidify the need for it. I was recently turned down for a Teach For America position. The email I was given was rather ambiguous and it simply said you don't fulfil our needs at this time. I applied in the fourth wave, the last one, and the areas I chose were probably pretty popular spots. That could have played a big part of the denial. Maybe, I will reapply the next go around. For the time being I will say what I say to all women who turn me down "it's your loss babe".
Knowing what we want hard to identify. So many things are just emotional responses that can shift from day to day. The experience has made me realize that I think I want to become a teacher. Still, I am an impulisive moron so I'll give that sentiment a bit of time before I dig into it.
Right now I am finding it hard to live California lifestyle at $10 dollars per hour. The problem is that "totally awesome dude" doesn't get you a lot of job offers. On the upside the weightlifting has been great and I am learning a lot. That is the one constant that has held. I know I want to do it, and I am attacking it to the best of my ability. If only a career was the same.
Maybe I am just bitching. How many people really get to do what they really want? I know my father would probably like to have farmed. My mother has done a great deal without even going to college, but a great deal of it was probably not what she "wanted". The one thing that seems to come through is that you do what you can to make some money, and then find happiness the best you can.
Like Pearl, I just want my money.
Knowing what we want hard to identify. So many things are just emotional responses that can shift from day to day. The experience has made me realize that I think I want to become a teacher. Still, I am an impulisive moron so I'll give that sentiment a bit of time before I dig into it.
Right now I am finding it hard to live California lifestyle at $10 dollars per hour. The problem is that "totally awesome dude" doesn't get you a lot of job offers. On the upside the weightlifting has been great and I am learning a lot. That is the one constant that has held. I know I want to do it, and I am attacking it to the best of my ability. If only a career was the same.
Maybe I am just bitching. How many people really get to do what they really want? I know my father would probably like to have farmed. My mother has done a great deal without even going to college, but a great deal of it was probably not what she "wanted". The one thing that seems to come through is that you do what you can to make some money, and then find happiness the best you can.
Like Pearl, I just want my money.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Confidence
Like many things in life that are perceived traits possessed by some who are "born with it" confidence, like talent, is an interesting concept. It is a fragile thing, but a factor that can make or break us. With it life can be just a bit easier. We know that we can overcome the problems ahead of us, and the variables in life seem a bit less daunting. Without it success is difficult. Little problems seem to compound, keeping us from reaching new heights. The thing about confidence is that it is a skill. One that can be practiced and constructed.
Confidence is analogous to many other things that we practice in life. It is ingrained in the many things we do for work and play. Continually practicing our skills with humility and deliberate focus on making corrections for improvement lead to a making ourselves a little bit better every day. In Weightlifting you don't come into the gym on the first day and expect to snatch 100 kilos. Your first round of golf isn't going to be 18 birdies. You come in expecting to find your starting point, realizing that your goal from that day forward is to get a little bit better in some form.
In some ways the concept of confidence can become paradoxical. One day you will hit a wall. A wall you "knew" you would get over, but when it came time to cross you failed. That ball that had been rolling steadily for some time began to turn back at you. At this time you may have to start over. This is one of the things that is so difficult in life. Starting over is perceived to be a total loss, a waste of time, you have failed. In reality you haven't as long as you learned along the way. Confidence is knowing that a reset will one day be required, but you will be able to push through your plateaus.
There are a lot things that an individual can do to build there confidence. The power of positive self talk can go a long way. Others around you may praise you or disdain you, but in most cases its one's own beliefs that make the difference. That being said don't stifle people. You never know what someone is capable of.
"Believe in yourself, because if you don't, who will?"
Confidence is analogous to many other things that we practice in life. It is ingrained in the many things we do for work and play. Continually practicing our skills with humility and deliberate focus on making corrections for improvement lead to a making ourselves a little bit better every day. In Weightlifting you don't come into the gym on the first day and expect to snatch 100 kilos. Your first round of golf isn't going to be 18 birdies. You come in expecting to find your starting point, realizing that your goal from that day forward is to get a little bit better in some form.
In some ways the concept of confidence can become paradoxical. One day you will hit a wall. A wall you "knew" you would get over, but when it came time to cross you failed. That ball that had been rolling steadily for some time began to turn back at you. At this time you may have to start over. This is one of the things that is so difficult in life. Starting over is perceived to be a total loss, a waste of time, you have failed. In reality you haven't as long as you learned along the way. Confidence is knowing that a reset will one day be required, but you will be able to push through your plateaus.
There are a lot things that an individual can do to build there confidence. The power of positive self talk can go a long way. Others around you may praise you or disdain you, but in most cases its one's own beliefs that make the difference. That being said don't stifle people. You never know what someone is capable of.
"Believe in yourself, because if you don't, who will?"
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Success
It has occured to me that my titles are somewhat misleading. Further, my labels at the bottom of the page can lead intraweb viewers astray as well. This is a quick post regarding getting more hits on your blog. Include gratuitous amounts of quasi-pornographic language. My numbers of hits have doubled! Thank you to all those perverts out there. I hope reading about my awesome experiences has brightened your day.
REAL TALK
America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, bad-ass speed. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Above is a quote by the great Eleanor Roosevelt. That is "real talk". So much of our talk is not real at all. A bunch of bull is what it is. We have so many layers of fluff that it's hard to see what exactly is going on. Most of our news coverage is one big mess of "information" which is about as useful as a "poopy flavored lolly-pop". All the while our government and military either think we are too smart to be told the truth or too dumb to really care.
I will use the recent military strikes in Libya as an example. What is this intervention, or in the words of Sarah Palin "squirmish", what exactly are we doing? Some leaders are calling it a "kinetic military action". Great, I'm glad that we are moving around while blowing stuff up. Overall, the picture that seems to be repeated by the United States Government is that we have numerous double standards, and we will use the language we deem appropriate to uphold those standards.
This is a vicious cycle. If the truth was what we were really getting most American's wouldn't know how to react. Government is a strange contradiction. Most of the time those most fit to lead shy away realizing the problems associated with the job. Much like everyday life you seem to be "damned if you do, and damned if you don't". Someone will always be there to criticize, like me right meow,. Those willing to accept this and lead anyway have on some level sacrificed their desire for good government with a desire for control.
While real talk is so difficult to get at is exactly why it's so necessary. When confronted with actual truth we either correct it or we back away. Continually spoon feeding ourselves what one NBC anchorwoman refered to as "a poop-sandwich", my brother loves those, just keeps us in the dark. I am not proposing America's demise, but if we want to continue our tradition of Hot, Nasty, Bad-Ass speed we better get real.
Above is a quote by the great Eleanor Roosevelt. That is "real talk". So much of our talk is not real at all. A bunch of bull is what it is. We have so many layers of fluff that it's hard to see what exactly is going on. Most of our news coverage is one big mess of "information" which is about as useful as a "poopy flavored lolly-pop". All the while our government and military either think we are too smart to be told the truth or too dumb to really care.
I will use the recent military strikes in Libya as an example. What is this intervention, or in the words of Sarah Palin "squirmish", what exactly are we doing? Some leaders are calling it a "kinetic military action". Great, I'm glad that we are moving around while blowing stuff up. Overall, the picture that seems to be repeated by the United States Government is that we have numerous double standards, and we will use the language we deem appropriate to uphold those standards.
This is a vicious cycle. If the truth was what we were really getting most American's wouldn't know how to react. Government is a strange contradiction. Most of the time those most fit to lead shy away realizing the problems associated with the job. Much like everyday life you seem to be "damned if you do, and damned if you don't". Someone will always be there to criticize, like me right meow,. Those willing to accept this and lead anyway have on some level sacrificed their desire for good government with a desire for control.
While real talk is so difficult to get at is exactly why it's so necessary. When confronted with actual truth we either correct it or we back away. Continually spoon feeding ourselves what one NBC anchorwoman refered to as "a poop-sandwich", my brother loves those, just keeps us in the dark. I am not proposing America's demise, but if we want to continue our tradition of Hot, Nasty, Bad-Ass speed we better get real.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Guns, Germs, and Steel
There are a lot of things in life that when finished one thinks to themselves "need to do that again". Jared Diamond's Guns, Germs, and Steel is one of those things for me. I didn't space the whole thing off, but I found myself straying from the page quite a bit. Most of this was inspired by Diamond. The book is thought provoking, and a lot of my random wanderings were inspired by the books contents. It is an incredibly well constructed work on this history of human civilization. It starts with one question and breaks off into dozens more, all the while Diamond weaves you through human history. The question being "why do some societies develop so much "cargo" while others have so little?"
In the context of the question, which was presented to Diamond by a New Guinea man, "cargo" refers to goods or what boils down to technology. The answer, it's complicated. The title is indicative of what many people contribute to the conquering of one group of people over another. Guns, germs, and steel played large roles in the conquering of the America's. Still, that is a few steps down the road. How is that the European nations were able to acquire those good before the Incas or other civilizations of the Americas. It seems that where you end is very dependent on you start.
Geography has played a big part in human evolution. This is something we probably all take for granted. The environment around us is a contributor to the needs for innovation, and how we live our lives. Diamond shows that the development of food production drove many groups of people forward. Still, others stayed behind. This is greatly dependent on the environment people lived in. The animals that lived around them also contributed to the equation. Many of the domesticated animals that we have today originated in a few areas. These areas are places like the fertile crescent and China. Areas that have developed more quickly than places like Australia, or Southern Africa where many of the animals are not easily domesticated.
Aside from food production many places on earth are easier to travel than others. Travel by peoples results in the dissemination of information. Societies are built by information, and the control of it. Technology is developed communally by the tinkering of persons piggy-backing off of others. In areas of the world where it is hard to travel and interact with other people information did not spread the same way that it did where people could connect with other groups.
Diamond conveys the fact that every human society is smart. So racist beliefs about the development of peoples don't really hold through. People are as smart as they need to be. Much of the development of human societies is circumstance. "What is the best way to survive in my circumstance?" Based on that question people and societies evolved at different rates because of the world around them mixed with human instinct.
In summation-read again.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Or are we just jerking off?
Oh, Lord! Do We Have The Strength? Or Are We Just Jerking Off? Sound Clip and Quote
What you don't here in this quote is the "Amen" as if to assert the fact that humans never totally know whether the juice will be worth the squeeze. It is a question that fills our heads constantly. What's the point? Why even try? It ain't gonna happen.
The inspiration for this post comes from a pretty trivial observation that I have made. I don't want to take it too far, but it can be analogous to life on a greater level. When customers bring in their "green" bags to Trader Joe's we hand out raffle tickets. If the customer wants the tickets they can write their name and number on the back, and drop it into a box for a chance to win a $25 dollar gift card which is drawn for every week. Many people take them, and I tend to hand out a bunch. Still, there are quite a few others who say "No, thanks. I never win."
I am not going to go as far as saying these people are pessimistic, downers, and have no hope for the future. It just occurs to me that they have nothing to lose, everything to gain, and they still don't go for it. There is no loss of time. You can fill it out and drop it off while I am scanning and bagging your nine things of hummus and 17 bags of seaweed snack, don't eat this, and you can win $25 towards your next purchase of soymilk and lowfat pretzels, again NO.
"I never win". You can't win if you don't give it a shot. I can understand qualms against the lottery, but this is not gambling. You brought in the bags so you have nothing to lose. Life is not about going around and seeing other people do, and win, thinking that it only happens to that guy. Grab that bull by its horns and wrestle it to the ground, grill it up, and throw some hummus on that I don't care. Just no seaweed snacks.
What I am getting at is the fact that there are many things in life we don't do for no good reason. I am a victim of not trying many things for stupid reasons. At the most you will embarass yourself, but that is a minor issue compared to never stepping out of your shell in the first place. I don't regret the stupid things I have done. I just try to learn from them.
Without the desire to give things a chance in life we are all "just jerking off".
What you don't here in this quote is the "Amen" as if to assert the fact that humans never totally know whether the juice will be worth the squeeze. It is a question that fills our heads constantly. What's the point? Why even try? It ain't gonna happen.
The inspiration for this post comes from a pretty trivial observation that I have made. I don't want to take it too far, but it can be analogous to life on a greater level. When customers bring in their "green" bags to Trader Joe's we hand out raffle tickets. If the customer wants the tickets they can write their name and number on the back, and drop it into a box for a chance to win a $25 dollar gift card which is drawn for every week. Many people take them, and I tend to hand out a bunch. Still, there are quite a few others who say "No, thanks. I never win."
I am not going to go as far as saying these people are pessimistic, downers, and have no hope for the future. It just occurs to me that they have nothing to lose, everything to gain, and they still don't go for it. There is no loss of time. You can fill it out and drop it off while I am scanning and bagging your nine things of hummus and 17 bags of seaweed snack, don't eat this, and you can win $25 towards your next purchase of soymilk and lowfat pretzels, again NO.
"I never win". You can't win if you don't give it a shot. I can understand qualms against the lottery, but this is not gambling. You brought in the bags so you have nothing to lose. Life is not about going around and seeing other people do, and win, thinking that it only happens to that guy. Grab that bull by its horns and wrestle it to the ground, grill it up, and throw some hummus on that I don't care. Just no seaweed snacks.
What I am getting at is the fact that there are many things in life we don't do for no good reason. I am a victim of not trying many things for stupid reasons. At the most you will embarass yourself, but that is a minor issue compared to never stepping out of your shell in the first place. I don't regret the stupid things I have done. I just try to learn from them.
Without the desire to give things a chance in life we are all "just jerking off".
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