A lot can happen in a few days. Sunday I was extremely optimistic. Today, I've let the left side of my brain set in, and I am queasy and scared. I don't think I'm ready to live out here long term. Especially, in my current state. It is most likely the insecurity of my situation that is causing my anxieties. The disappointments of the last few days have made me realize that I am not as independent as I thought. 2000 miles away from my family is a long way for me. Especially when I look at my housing prospects while earning ten dollars an hour.
Am I just a huge pansy? I don't want to try to rationalize my fears. There are a lot of other people who have struggled a lot more than me, and they overcome a great deal to live everyday. My problems are trivial in the giant scope of things. If I decide to go home am I a failure? Maybe.
After saying I won't rationalize my fears I am going to rationalize my fears. What do I want? I believe now that I have been running away from a lot of things. The past few weeks I have seen that I can be happy doing many things, but that doesn't make up for the fact that I would like to be near my family. I am probably just lonely overall. It's my fault for not being more proactive, but I guess I don't know where to start. I usually made friends through some type of team, but while the weightlifting crew is a fun one, most of the people are older than me and have their own lives to deal with.
This trip started out rather crazily. It has only been two months, but it has been really memorable. For that I am thankful. At this point in time I am going to stay for a bit longer, compete in a lifting meet at the end of May and then road trip a little bit before I head back home.
Am I backing down from chaos. Probably, but at this point in time I feel that I can go after my future in a more productive manner a little closer to home. Failure? Yes. Total defeat? No.
im updating myself on ur life... i kind of feel like i have been where u are right now. living in the UK for 6 months i totally saw the side effects of being home sick..i want you to know that I dont see you coming back closer to home as a failure at all..nothing is a failure when you have loved one in mind... i think u proved a huge point by leaving the comfort of little iowa and going out on ur own to experience the big real world alone. you are brave, courageous, strong, and independent. if you do come back it does not disprove these qualities. its growth davey :)
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